Some things change so quickly

that they make the world collapse.

Only about two weeks after I wrote that last entry below, she was diagnosed with a - supposedly - deadly disease. This has made me think about life and death, more than I usually do anyway. I've been pondering quite a lot and I am yet thankful for this as it took me back to what's actually important in life. I'm also glad I have such wonderful friends who have been trying to comfort me and make me feel better. In addition to that, there's been a change in the weather, which is quite unusual for where I live now. It used to rain for weeks, now there's just so much snow I can barely step out of the house. Everything is so incredibly dead but with all the sparkling snow on them, things look totally different and seem to somehow contain a strange sort of beauty. I have been feeling lost. I have been feeling worthless and so very mediocre. And yet I know, if there's things that are worth to live for, I have probably seen them.

Because she means the world

even though she'll never know.

Spent the entire night drawing, reinventing the good old times to make me feel comfortable around myself these days. She's one of the few who have managed to show respect and even love as well as hatred, those real emotions people long for. 

Whenever I try to capture the beauty of a human's personality, I lose a bit of mine.  When I try to regain that piece of me, it feels like stealing something that I don't own any more. A part of a higher purpose, a part that has finally got something special about it, in a certain way.  

It is not easy to describe 
that feeling. 
It may be love.

Welcome home, son!

And endless be the nights you spend at where you feel 

at home.

In this place, life tends to be more or less excessive. 
To those who aim for it as well as to those who obviously don't.
A lot of things have happened to me the past five weeks, ever since I moved here. I had the privilege to make the acquaintance of a huge array of very interesting individuals in the midst of which I feel comfortable and safe. I have had to learn a couple of things, such as not to lose my mind when it seems to be the easiest thing to do. Not to accidentally, indirectly hurt people with my words or actions. To listen to those who matter to me, and to those alone.
I am finally free.

This be a sonnet.

Death and Glory

 

O haste, o lustrous, armoured knight,

And do not ever tarry;

O keep that crucial mortal fright,

Thy pride and learn to parry.

I loathe thee not, I shall not dare,

Nor shall I now entrain thee,

But once the day comes, be aware,

Thou shalt for once regard me.

Thy haste be decent, grand, at ease,

Grateful, until thou perish't,

Until the day or night thou cease't,

A whiff of grandeur cherish.

Beware! Presumption may not save

Thy lordliness within thy grave.

O sympathy, o sympathy,

your lovesong made me laugh.

This is the year of farewells. None of your attempts of trying to keep me have been able to convince me in the slightest. I will now go and possibly never return.

You have caused more pain than pleasure in the past two decades and I am most certainly not willing to thank you for your patience. Your gossips have taken a lot of lives and we can't forgive or forget what has been done to us.

Don't try and make me stay. Don't pretend to need me around. 

We both know you don't. You've never made me feel safe or alive. You've made me feel weak and lonely. I do not think we have anything in common any more. Thankfully, you have taught me to get on with life - which may be the most important quality for me anyway. Well, this implies life has to go on for me right now. I am trying to find my way and unfortunately, you're not involved.

Please take care of the ones I love, that is all I'm asking for. Farewell, sweet home, farewell.

I'll follow you into the dark

and soon there'll be no tears left they were ours to give to whomever  finally they are the most precious jewellery we possess so never apologise again

finally you set your own limits

 

You left me here because I told you to. You are about to start a new life, to find yourself in the giant maze of life. You have helped me to find my own way, to keep on searching for the truth and to discover the lies that got in my way. I never thought I would find a friend like you and I knew destiny would part our ways, sooner or later. I know my words and actions were not very wise and I wish we had met in a different place and time, and yet I'm thankful for the time we spent together. Farewell my friend. Good luck in Neverland, may all your dreams come true.

 

Birthday nights, horrific frights

...and once again I'm crying.

I must have stopped breathing before I even thought of it. 

O glorious day that you have never been, why can't you just let me live? 

Why do you have to rip my heart out? Why do you have to laugh at my weakness? 

Why does the one person who I thought understood me remotely have to alienate me completely? 

Why does it have to be this way? And why won't you ever respond?

I'm shattered.

About as good as it gets

(The story of)

The lost stork and the desperate girl

It took about as long for my heart to explode as it takes for a star to die. The same effect really, both very spectacular and yet unnoticed by billions. Heated up in a long progress, got bigger and - vanished. Left nothing to wonder about. Nothing but nothingness. I can't tell if stars feel pain but my explosion was such a sudden thing that I only came to think about it a while later.

It started with a couple of fatal nights a couple of weeks before that. Suffering. And it ended as soon as a stork got lost in my garden. He immediately dug for - and swallowed - a mole which must have been a matter of confusion as I don't picture furry, muddy moles to be very delicious. 

He looked around, roamed around and spread his own confusion so it would strike me. Mission accomplished, Sir! I never used to be superstitious but this really made me hope my ancestors had been wrong about the stork/baby thingy. 

Poor storky got chased off shortly afterwards, maybe he had only realised he had chosen the wrong person. Turns out, no one I know is going to have a baby too soon. Plus, we had him get rid of one of our countless moles - what a useless "skadedjur" anyway! 

I'm going to take it as a warning and hope for the next time the two of us meet to be the right time. So long, good old bird! I'll be off, mending my heart in the meantime.

Kurt är en vacker påfågel

och jag är en slug uggla!

This is the incredibly intelligent bird whose residence happens to be situated in my chamber, underneath a pair of moose antlers. Right.

He is -apparently- a peacock, although I have not heard him crow and I must say he doesn't quite resemble any vegetable I know. Anyway, his name is Kurt and he loves education. 

He loves languages, especially Swedish and French and I have been told that he is fluent in Latin - although he never talks in my  presence.

He gets along well with his fellow trophies Tristan, Isolde and Gunnar the jay although he is known to be lordly and well-aware of his intellect and of the stupidity of others...

He is my watchbird, my stalwart advisor. 

I am very grateful for having him with me.

This goes out to my 

illustrious peafowl - 

Thy subsistence doth fill my soul with felicity. 

Thanks for thy feigned loyalty!

Because days come and go...

And then again there's some of us who never dare to sleep. 

 

Valentines day and oh, what a night. My heart keeps beating and I wonder why. I even wonder what for. It's all so very pointless and no purpose will be found until the sun defeats the night sky. Can you tell me what to do when there's nothing left to lose? Can you tell a liar from a thief? Is there anyone who can help me get out of here? Why can I never forget you? And the life I've been leading is never succeeding, so harmless and transgressing at once. Look at those scars, they aren't fading. Look into my eyes, they are so devouring and yet so bashful. Where is my heart?
Goodbye my fairly beloved one, you're truly missed.

Because days come and go, but my feelings for you are forever...

Your End Was An Explosion.

 Farewell, 2011!

 Why did you have to be so very dramatic, dying in front of the cheering crowds, surrounded by the most beautiful colours like the martyr you intended to be? Your last over- whelming success, and now I know I am the winner because I am still alive. You eventually had to fade and we knew it from the start. There wasn't anything good about you. You made me grow older and not an inch wiser in the progress. You almost took my life away but then started giving hope, letting it grow in my hands, just to smash it to the floor when it was big enough for me to be able to hold on to it.

Rest in pieces, you won't be missed.