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I am still alive. A lot of wonderful things have happened lately and these days, the worst part about life is missing a big piece of my heart. I dare say that I have found the love of my life. Turns out that sometimes, you just have to give everything around you a closer look, et voilà.It seems like I will have to stay here for a bit - that will change though. And thus ends the story of the lost little girl with nowhere to go.
Bye for now, folks.
Vi ses!

Fell in love with an angel

A heart that isn't cold

So after five years, we finally made it happen. I met the one who I kept myself from falling in love with because I thought he couldn't be the way I pictured him to be. Turns out, he's that exactly, and even more. I refused to believe in such things as soulmates until then. I am so lucky to have got to know him and I cherish the wonderful time we had together. The only thing that's making this so very hard on me is that I will have to live without him anywhere near for the next couple of years - again. This is like you get the one thing you most yearned for and then it's taken from you again by the time it gets so perfect you can hardly believe you're not dreaming. Sharing laughs and tears, being held like that, knowing the other one feels the exact same way about you. That is so incredible that I couldn't even cry when he left. Now I'm back to broken-hearted again.
And this time, it's not going to end well.

I owe you, number 14.

This poison's my intoxication

Another night spent on the bench under the trees,
Next to the silent lake, reflecting stars and moon
And yet you seem to be the only one who sees
The brighter side of me that often dares to swoon.

I heap up all the feeling that have grown inside
I want to light them, burn them with a golden flame
And start again with nothing ever left to hide
And no one left to put my guiltless heart to shame.

While everything gets dark at night and fades away,
I shall hold on to you, defeat what's holding sway

And I will brighten up, shine down on all I see,
Become the one that you've already found in me.

Three more on the list.

Well, that escalated quickly.

It's that time of the year again. I may have to consult my old friend, the GoW. She's been around for about 12 years, maybe more. She used to tell me the truth about life and about myself. There's many things I wouldn't have learnt if it weren't for her. And now she seems to be gone and I cannot find her around. Maybe that's because the fun part is about to end now. I'm turning 25 and so I'm not safe any more. These are the days I might die. No more protection.
A ten years younger version of me would kill me right away. I haven't achieved a thing and now I'm telling myself that it's not about achievement. How easy of me to say. Unfortunately, this doesn't work for the more important issues. So death has to be taken into consideration and when the day comes that I cannot take any more, I shall go. There's another lesson to be spread first, though: An unbreakable heart is not worth having. Cheers.

It's always darkest before the dawn.

It's always darkest before the dawn.

Sometimes, change happens when we least expect it. Like this time, when I was still so broken-hearted and devastated about the things that happened to me the past few weeks. Suddenly, after the worst encounter ever, there comes someone who seems to be what I've been searching for all the time. The most considerate, adorable one and a person who I might soon learn to love with all my heart. Although I've grown cautious over the years, this might just be it. I can't wait to be with him again. No matter how sad and hurt I am, the thought of him near me just brightens up my darkest moments. Now I'm just trying to be patient enough. Keep your fingers crossed.

Just remember that nothing's made to last

That too will pass.

Life is swaying me. Falling in and out of love, constantly, spontaneously. Something is missing. It might be real, genuine love. I must allow myself to let things pass, and most of all, time. Making out with three people in just one week is not a good idea when you're not sure where to put your emotions. Especially when you then decide to give a little bit of them to each of those. Several pieces of my heart broke, the great sadness came back and now I'm thriving. How invigorating the experience of an upcoming evolving can be, and how paradoxical that is! I keep those sharp blades in my nightstand, just in case. I know they still are what makes me feel most alive.

Fate is an elegant, cold-hearted whore

She loves salting my wounds - she enjoys nothing more.

There's something else I need to accept: The best things happen unexpected. They really do. There should be more nights of the "I don't want to go out but I can't stay here either, so let's just give it a try" kind. Last night was one of those. So worth it. I wish I could go back in time and just have another one. Well, the weekend's over. The dancing, the kissing, the grooming, the singing. All of this is going to make the week so much better for me. It occurs to me that I'm about to finally change dramatically. Look at me still talking when there's science to do - when I look out there it makes me glad I'm not you.

And I shall be in Scotland afore you.

Now please just let me pick you up somewhere out there.

The dark days are coming to an end again. We may rejoice and live on. Perhaps the biggest mistake we tend to make is to think everything over. It seems to me that if we just let things happen to us more without thinking so much, we'd all be better off in a way. No matter what your anxious little brain keeps telling you, sometimes listening to your heart is just the wiser option. So here's the one lesson I have to learn next: Let things happen. Don't make them happen.
Keep fighting the good fight. You could be such a blissful being.

Yet another story's ending

And now it seems that we have been swallowed up by the ocean.

We couldn't possibly have lasted. Our ideas of life are so excrutiatingly different that I am not sure how we even made it this far. Finally letting go of you is one of the most difficult things I have experienced in my life. It doesn't hurt, or at least not too much. Not as much as you'd expect. What really bothers me now is that I've grown so fond of you, got so used to you and living with you that it is almost impossible for me to imagine continuing without you somewhere in my life. And yet, I know I can't keep you an important part of it because it wouldn't allow me to focus on other things. I have sacrificed the last three years of my life to that certain purpose I thought to find with you. Realising that there really was no purpose from the start is heartbreaking.

I've known this experience from several times before but it's never taken me that long to make up my mind. Going to sleep with you - and then the last goodbye in the morning. You leaving my spare keys on the table, next to a little heart of chocolate. Knowing you're now with some of my best friends and they probably know about it already. And what do I do about it? I'm sitting here, as always. Waiting for something to happen, waiting for time to pass so I can finally go to sleep.
Well, this one might take a while.

Hjärter Dams sista sång

One last chance to reverse this curse

I have been dreaming of you, my beloved one. After seven years, that's just crazy. In those dreams, you're never the way you actually were. Or the way you probably are today. In my dreams, you are the most handsome, very loving and considerate. The last time I met you, about five years ago, you were quite the opposite of that. I was so desillusionated after that last date of ours that I suddenly started falling out of love. I had been so obsessed with you after you'd left me crying, in the rain, miles away from home. That's so chlichéd. And I still loved you for I know not what. I ran after you while pretending not to. You had probably been dating her for a while already, the one who just had to be it. You officially started dating her just a week later, after not really having broken up with me definitely. You had told me that there's still a chance we could be together and I believed you.

I didn't allow myself to believe anything else for over a year. And now, I've recently been thinking about what we were like in the very beginning. The happy, cold winter days when we were madly in love and went ice skating on the frozen lake. I was miserable at that time but you made my days a little brighter and easier to bare, or so it seemed. I know we both almost went suicidal when it turned out we weren't good for each other. I caused bad things to happen. I couldn't be the light for you. The last time I saw you, you were on drugs and I tried too desperately. I regret that one last time so much and I wish I had kept you in better memory. Now, the thoughts and dreams of how it could have been haunt me at night and they are just so beautiful. I miss the future we should have had - but now it's time to finally let you go. Definitely.

You're the blade and I'm just paper.

You're the blade and I'm just paper.

Before you go, are you aware
Of what a mess you leave behind,
Of memories, of things we share,
Of all concerning heart and mind?
Abandon only if you see
The consequences that will be
Forever haunting you and me
They are one-of-a-kind.

Before you leave, can you foresee
Can you foretell the hurtful state
The harm your farewell causes me
And how you leave me to my fate?
Just once I dreamt to be your bride
It seems to be an endless fight,
Come will the day that I lose sight
Alone, without my mate.

Farväl, farväl, min hjärtans kär!

Mång tusende god natt

400 miles and a whole lot of work will be separating us from now on. I do not like the thought much and yet I feel obliged to accept it. There is apparently no other way for us. We may have to learn to accept the circumstances, no matter how hard it seems. We won't be able to change about it too soon, so there may come months of loneliness at some point. Anyway - I think we will make it. We always have. Right now, I can't even say I'm actually sad at all. I have been through worse, we have. I will most certainly miss you in a way, but what is that compared to how I have missed before? You just won't be "there" whenever I need you around, but then again, you haven't for over a year. At this point, it doesn't even hurt in the slightest. I don't feel a thing. This is weird and makes me question my emotions but I know exactly I've had worse, even recently. Rather sad come to think about it, but that's life I guess. So here is the last thing I will remember about us for quite some time.
Take care.

Take this anchor from my heart!

Welcome back, darkness.

You're so familiar, having you around is just wonderful. All beyond words. I know there's still something missing to make me feel comfortable. A lack of something I didn't think I'd ever come to miss. Perhaps it's just this one thing that's so special about it all. How strange is the idea of always being alone at some point, of always having to do certain steps on your very own? For me, nothing's harder than realising such obvious facts. And yet, I may still be wrong about them anyway.
How would I know. See you soon.

Man kan inte ha det som inte betalas.

It took me so long to find out it's right there in front of me,
too close to see...

I am finally back to normal. These are some tiny stones I picked up at the beach a couple of days ago. I just thought they were pretty so I arranged them on a bigger stone. Well, obviously so. Guess that's what I look like on the inside now, if that makes any sense. Complete in a way, shattered in another. I didn't sleep last night and I went back home very early so I could witness the sunrise - that's something I hadn't done in quite a long time. I did miss that, it's still one of the most beautiful things I've seen so far. Made me very happy and sad at the same time. I had almost forgotten about being able to experience such a wide array of emotions, all at the same time. Crying both from joy and profound sadness came pretty close to a blissful moment. It's different from anything I've been able to feel the past months. Several loved ones passed away or just turned their backs and I wasn't able to cry over them. Now I'm starting to feel anger and pain again and I guess that's a good thing. So welcome back, all of you positive and awfully negative emotions. I am alive!

The door cracks open, but there's no sun shining through.

You'll never kill the light inside me.

Some situations just make you wish you'd never been born. Why do people even hate so much? What good does that do? Enough with the rhetorical questions. I don't have an answer either. All I know is there's things happening around that make me cringe. People uniting against others, trying to make their lives cease to exist. Sometimes not literally but in ways that compare to minds being taken apart. That's neither less brutal nor less effective. All it really is is less obvious. And I must say I'm even more afraid of these guys than of those who obviously try to harm others with clubs or guns or knives. There you go, another pessimistic, presumably depressing post. I'll make up for it some time.

Leave or be left.

"How unintended was this feeling?
How did it even come to this?
How come I find it so appealing -
Are you the truth I merely miss?

"My mind is taking me to places
That no one else has seen before,
I find an conquer empty spaces
And seek another open door.

"Eternity is in my way,
Cannot be torn apart.
And therefore, I must always stray
To try and save my heart."


Some things just need to be done.
Sometimes, cruel words have to be said before someone is severely hurt.
Sometimes, you have to keep yourself away from something you want because otherwise it might cause damage.
Sometimes, you have to leave someone who meant a lot to you. They may never know and that's probably the best for both of you but they will remain in a hidden place somewhere deep inside your soul.
Goodbye, old friend.

Out of the Question.

Do you loathe the numbing feeling,
The intoxicating healing,
The asphyxiating sealing,
Of the borders you were taught?
Can you feel the scars still bleeding,
Do you know the hand that's feeding,
The voracious brain that's breeding,
Sorrows, wishes and the thought -
Is it you, or are they fought?

Endlessly, we have to ponder
Over many things, we wonder
If we need to come asunder
With the thoughts we had in years.
I remember all the ages,
Write them down on empty pages,
Find my mind in withered cages,
See the threat and fight in tears,
Fighting love and hate and fears.

Take my hand, lets go somewhere we can rest our souls.

I'd give you my soul but I already sold it

And here's to nightfall. Or what would you call it? There's nothing but the encouraging thought of another break of dawn. It should be worth it. It always is. Free at last. Rejoice!

Mikä mua vaivaa? En pysty enää peiliin katsomaan...

Oh anyway, it's looking like a beautiful day.

I've been running these streets for too long now

He used to smile like there were no hidden tears.